A satirical look at Rhee’s ‘Students First’ (or how students fell to a tie for third)
By Valerie Strauss
Below is the lead “story” from a satirical Onion-esque publication designed for those of us who religiously follow education policy. The publication is called Education Tweak (EdTweak.com), and it’s anonymously authored and published. The new issue is actually #14; the other 13 issues were published back in 2009, and this full issue and all the back issues are available at edtweak.com.
By Education Tweak
Just weeks after launching her Students First campaign, former Washington D.C. Chancellor Michelle A. Rhee announced that Students have now fallen into a tie for third. “Students have to earn first,” Rhee explained. “Life is a competition, and Students seem to think I’ll let them remain in First even if they don’t show results.”
Rhee set the first-year fund-raising goal for Students First at an amazing $1 billion. With that sort of prize money, it’s hardly surprising that others have stepped forward in a healthy competition with students to be First.
Currently in the lead, according to Rhee, is Michelle Rhee herself.
“Just look at our web site,” she explained. “It’s all about me. I’m the one out there every day busting my hump and pretending to be so concerned and earnest. I’m the one with my mug on Newsweek’s cover. If students want to beat that they’re going to have to do more than just phone it in.”
After Rhee in the competition are Oprah Winfrey (in second) and Wall Street (currently tied with Students in third). Oprah gained major kudos for her courageous decision to host Rhee TWICE over the past six months.
As for Wall Street – how would Students First ever succeed without the hard work of billionaires? Besides, billionaires have been given their wealth by the Almighty as a sign that they are among the Elect.
Students, meanwhile, are not conceding. They plan to kill off their weakest 5 percent each week, or maybe just lock them in the basement, until those remaining meet Rhee’s standards for excellence.
“We considered trying to improve instead,” explained Becky, the group’s leader, “but there’s no support for that.”
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